Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey
On making small changes really slowly in the hope that they will stick.
It has been over a month since I last wrote anything.
I have so much to say.
But I spoke to Kate about some things and about how writing makes me feel better, but that would include writing about her. She doesn’t want me to do that, and I support that 100%. So now I have to work out if I have anything to say that doesn’t invade her privacy.
Anyway, if I can’t write about that maybe I can write about other things - it might be good for me, my days are consumed by looking after Kate and the family and trying to access the support that we need, and so perhaps it will make me look and think about other things.
This week has been hard. It is cold again and being home all day it is tricky to keep warm. When I sit at the computer to work I seem to slowly get colder and colder. I know I should move more and I try to, the house is tidier at this time of year as I try and fly around getting my temperature up a bit. Kate is home with me, but she does not feel the cold at all so I can’t use her as an excuse to put the heating on! Paul has been out of the house every day working so I have been unable to go anywhere and I am extra tired due to a month of difficult bedtimes. I have found myself wasting entire afternoons just staring at my phone. I have been waiting for an important email too, but despite constantly refreshing my inbox it just hasn’t arrived. It has really ruined my week.
When I knew that I would have to take six months off I decided that the time should not be wasted. There are some lifestyle changes that I needed to make and so I have been trying to change the habits of a lifetime. I gave up smoking (again) in November and so far I haven’t started again. I have a terrible history of stopping for 3 months and then starting again. This time it really needs to stick.
There are always a million things going through my brain of how I ‘need’ to change myself to become a ‘better person’. I know. This time though I swore that I would only do one thing at a time and give each a month to six weeks to stick before starting something new. So when my brain starts its daily chant of ‘you shouldn’t eat that, look at the size of your stomach, you need to drink more water, you shouldn’t have that glass of wine, he thinks you are eating too many biscuits, you have fed your children rubbish from the freezer again, you are not setting a good example for your kids……..1’ I can tell it to BLOODY WELL SHUT UP I AM GIVING UP SMOKING AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO DO THIS MONTH.
So far, it seems to be working. Since November I have given up smoking and started exercising at least 3 times a week. Now that those things have been given their full six weeks I have moved onto eating at least one piece of fruit every day. I can only ever drink water in the summer, so will wait a while for that one. I am toying with the idea of giving up biscuits for Lent. One might think that only giving up biscuits is a bit lame, but they will not have seen my capacity for eating entire packets without blinking. I just don’t have an off switch when it comes to sugar.
I have always hated exercise. I love a good walk but the conditions need to be just right. So cold your face hurts - no thanks I will stay under this blanket. Looks like it might rain - better not risk it. And don’t get me started with walking in the summer. I hate getting hot2. One thing I do love to do is swim. Over the past couple of years I have become aware of the significant effect that getting into water can have on my mental health, and so I have joined the health club in a local hotel.
I go to Aqua Aerobics and piss about in the water singing loudly to the cheesy music. It is bloody brilliant. I swim and then sit in the steam room. I just sit next to the pool and read my book! I even go on the treadmill at the gym - I don’t run but walk fast and set it to a high incline and then just watch episodes of TV on my phone. Turns out that the trick to get me to exercise is for me to be stuck at home all day. I can’t wait to go somewhere that my children cannot follow me and just hang out doing things to make me feel better.
And the best part? It is so lovely and warm there all the time.
Sending love from under a blanket3,
Kelly
I would just like to state that I know that this is all bollocks and no one judges me, only myself.
Yes I really am that hard to please when it comes to temperature. A nice 19 degrees all year round would be my absolute happy place. Or those days in Spring and Autumn that start out sunny and cold and end up being the perfect afternoon to spend in a beer garden.
The best part about crocheting blankets is that you get to stay warm under them while working on it and you might as well watch some TV or listen to your audio book while you are there.
So nice to read you again! These changes are not that small you know, it all adds up. I am trying really hard as well to go small and change a few bits at a time because like Josie, I also have a tendency to go all in and burn out, so I definitely believe that your way of tackling it is going to make a huge difference.
Also I know how hard it is to want to share hard times and not being able to to respect the privacy of those involved. It is tough.
Do you know that Substack is now allowing you to publish a private letter where you grant access to people to read it so it is not public. Not sure if it would help, but just in case.
Thinking of you and I hope everything brightens up soon, including the weather xx
Hello my lovely. I know well the difficulty of having Big Things that you need to write about and can't. It can make you feel so stiffled. You're doing absolutely the right thing though, hunting for other things you can explore and express. And your tiny habits are HUGE! This is definitely the way to go. I have a habit of trying to fix everything at once and burning out so I'm also trying to take changes at a slower pace this year. Here cheering you on xx